My Sanity
by WhenTheBloodMoonDies
Summary: If you loved only once and that love left you, what would happen to you? Would you take it in silence? Would you cry, scream? What would happen if that loss turned your mind upon itself? Jace/Clary one-shot


**Title:** My Sanity

**Description: **If you loved only once and that love left you, what would happen to you? Would you take it in silence? Would you cry, scream? What would happen if that loss turned your mind upon itself?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Clary, Jace, or any of the other characters, I do on the other hand own the storyline, please respect my artistic copyright on the storyline.

Liatnere- pronounced Lye-a-near

I know that the characters are very out of character, but they have to be, for the idea.

* * *

_Follow me,_

_Don't follow her,_

_Don't leave me,_

_All alone with a break heart of tears_

He left me, with out even knowing that our hearts had created life, that our DNA would be passed down to the future. My Jace.

He never knew that he was breaking my heart and my mind, that I would run to the forest, run for miles and end up in a dirty cave somewhere, birthing his child while chanting odd words in a lost language.

He couldn't have, or he wouldn't have left, of that my tired mind is sure.

A pain comes and my mind pushes further into the darkness, reaching for something I can never have. My body expels the child after such a long time, and I reach, feebly for the beautiful child. My mind chants and a roar builds up in my throat, but it is stopped by my heart and mind. My broken mind searches for the answers and finds none.

I follow the foot steps out into the forest and collapse like a folding chair, slipping into the darkness, leaving my last thoughts floating on the wind.

_My child, my baby, how can I leave you without a name? How can I leave you without safety? How can I leave?_

I think of Jace and my heart slows, sadness rushes to fill the gap so deep and filled with unshed tears.

My last words slips out as my eyes fill with the last tears I shall ever shed.

"Liatnere."

* * *

How did this get here? I thought, picking up the small baby, who could have lost such a precious thing? Such a beautiful thing? Such a fragile thing?

A piece of paper floated to rest on the dainty creatures face. I felt confused when it started crying, what did it want? What should I do?

I grabbed the piece of paper and flipped it over, all it read was 'Liatnere', I scratched my head, confused and scanned the night with my eyes, checking for the mother or anyone, when my eyes found no one I shrugged and walked inside. "What's that?" Izzy asked once I stepped out of the gilded birdcage of an elevator. "Some baby." I said passing it to her, even though I am 19 I still haven't moved out, even when Alec offered me a _very_ tempting place on the couch at his apartment; where Magus would probably visit every night and I would finally cross the brink of insanity.

I haven't heard from Clary in months, every since that day she refuses to return or even answer my calls.

Even when I went over to her home she wasn't there, not at Luke's, not at Simon's, even though, I heard suspicious noises from the bedroom and retreated quickly back through the window.

When I found out that Jocelyn hadn't heard from her either then I gave up, if she went to such lengths to avoid me as having her mother lie to me, then what she does is her own business.

"Where did you get it?" Izzy asked, curiously holding out a finger to it and making coochie-coo noises. "On the lawn." I replied curtly, retreating to my room. As soon as I closed the door a wail started up from the baby, I sighed and opened the door, walking back in to tell Izzy to shut it up, but it shut up. I sighed with relief and closed the door again, falling back into my sad thoughts, then the baby wailed again, I stomped back in, "Oh shut up, would you?" I grabbed the little thing, trying to find the off button.

The baby stared up into my face with strangely familiar eyes, my own widened and I passed the baby back to Izzy, ran in to the cage and hurriedly pressed the buttons, ran outside into the night and laughed, realizing I'd finally lost it.

In my mind I saw visions of Clary dancing up the lawn, but before her image could reach myself it hunch and growled, digging in the earth, searching for its sanity.

I ran out into the streets, not caring that horns blared and people shouted, I was _free_, free of all bounds, free to fly on my golden wings, free to dance upon my own grave without a care. I ran and ran until the woods of grey closed upon me, their hands outstretched, wishing to capture me and turn me to one of them, hundreds of creatures ran beside me, wishing to gobble me up.

My mind stretched on like a dark road while silence engulfed me.

Silence like that of a grave, silence like that of your worst nightmare, silence like that of death. I turned and slowed, following the sounds of dying.

The noises lead me to a woman, twisted and bleeding into the dark night. "J-jace." She spoke softly, her eyes closing. I collapsed on top of her, not understanding her, but recognizing her from a dream.

Her lifeblood bled into me as I close my own eyes, thinking lastly of this illusionary being 'Clary'.

* * *

"We found them, Madam." The officer spoke to me, but I stood there in shock, simply staring at the bled out body of my friend, my brother's lover, the only being the kept my brother to this earth. I stepped forward and reached out to touch her serene face but the officer grabbed my hand before it reached her. "We are still trying to save her, mam." The EMT spoke softly as though he already knew the outcome.

"W-what ab-bout my b-brother?" I swallowed a lump to speak, my voice quivering under the stress. "We are doing our best." The hospital aide repeated to me, I reeled backwards, looking frantically around at the white room, missing whole moments of my life, where had they gone?

"Patient 240 is stable, but fluctuating. Patient 241 is lost." A young perky thing stuck her head in from the hallway, updating the aide, she disappeared a moment later, softly closing the door with a clang.

"I'm sorry"-the doctor consulted her chart-"Isabelle, but your young friend has died from blood loss. Your brother appears to be in stable condition, but his mental condition seems…otherwise."

I grabbed the chart and stared at it, the black white paper simply stated the name of my dead comrade and her loss of blood, probably from…child birth?! "M-my friend h-had a b-baby?" I asked, holding in my tears as best as I could, but their weight built up until I felt compressed. "Yes Isabelle. But any baby she had in those conditions would not have survived." The aide briskly took the clipboard from my hands, leaving me alone in the white room.

I stood up, my body taking commands from something other than my conscious mind. I walked down the hallway to the room in which my brother lay, I opened the door with a creek and kneeled next to him, stroking his hand.

His eyes flew open with a growl and he spoke quickly, angrily, he scratched at my arm and his eyes burned mine when he half sat up, grimacing and growling at me.

I backed up quickly, feeling the smooth paper of the wall against my backside, my hands slid along the paper while I back away from my brother of twelve years.

He moved to stand up, his eyes burning with a lust for blood, but was brought up short by all the IV needles in his arms. He turned back, moving to rip them off, then collapsed. "Brother!" I ran forward to grab Jace as he fell backwards. His eyes fluttered and he moved to say something, but stopped short as his breath left his body in a woosh, his heart beat its last beat with a sad noise and I was left alone, holding the body of my brother in a sterile white room, that saw only death.

My friend lay in another room; dead as my brother.

I turned, set Jace on the bed, walked out of his room, out of the hospital and wailed to the skies, somewhere in which; someone heard me.

* * *

I woke up, sat up, looked around and found myself to be in a hospital, what hospital, I do not know. I looked down and saw a bloodstained blue hospital gown; the first thought that crossed my mind was 'Hunh, must have my period again.' But then I thought back and realized I couldn't remember last month's period, then I thought 'Ha. Hope I'm not pregnant.' Then I laughed softly, ripping out the IV and miscellaneous wires to stumble out of bed.

I grabbed the door handle, holding myself up by force of will. I stumbled down he hallway, bumping into walls on my meandering path, something tugged me to my left and I steered my troublesome body down that hallway, again I was tugged to the left, I turned the door handle of a room and lunged for the bed, seeing my Jace lying there, he sat up, rubbing his golden eyes, I hugged him fiercely. He in turn wrapped his arms around me and breathed in my hair, "I love you." I said quietly into his ear, shuddering when I thought back to a bad dream I had about him leaving. "I love you too." He replied, lightly biting my ear. Right then a number of people burst into the room, Isabelle, Alec, Magnus and a few nurses.

"Jace! Clary!" Isabelle jumped in, hugging Jace and me. When she pulled back I noticed her tear streaked cheeks. "How? What?" she asked in amazement, then she glanced down and backed up, stifling tears again, although she held them back, tears flooded her cheeks and she started sobbing.

Alec stepped out of the doorway and hugged Izzy with a smile, then whispered something in her ear. "Where have you been, Clary?" Magnus drawled from the doorway. "I…What do you mean? I saw you just yesterday." I replied, genuinely confused. Why would he ask such a thing? And why was this such a big deal?

A nurse walked in carrying a small bundle, "This is the child, mam." She passed the baby to Isabelle. The nurses seemed nervous, as though waiting for us to fall over. "Aw, here you are, Clary." Isabelle sniffed and passed it to me. To my surprise, Jace's eyes stared up at me, under a small dusting of my hair.

My mouth opened in shock and I thought back to my crazy dream of the cave and my child. My heart and body told me that this creature belonged to me, but my mind couldn't connect the dots. I blinked away tears and hugged the small child as a happy gurgle filled the room.

* * *

I stepped back and let the nurses work, let the Children be happy with their lives for once. I let the lives continue, those that should never have been in jeopardy, lives for my foolishness.

I took a step upwards and snapped open my wings, flying up and away. "What have you done, Raziel?" my friend flew in beside me, questioning my sanity. "Only a good thing Friend Azrael, only a good thing." I replied, my voice soft as a breeze.

The End.

* * *

**Thank you for reading.**

**Liatnere means: mine, mine. (as in something that is mine)**

**Reviews are the only type of payment a FF author receives, please grant me a few.**


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